BREAKING NEWS: War on the Home Front

Utah, Colorado, and Texas have now fallen to the Soulless Liberals, who invaded the homes of millions of Americans forcing them to recant their Christian beliefs and immediately dismantle their Christmas trees. Those citizens who were able to appeal to the conscience of the oppressive Liberals were allowed to keep their decorations under the condition that the Christmas trees be called Holiday trees.

Elsewhere, the Pro-Christ Conservatives have taken ground against their devil-worshiping opponents by erecting several nativity scenes and Ten Commandments monuments in various courthouses and political capitols. With fierce resistance from the Soulless Liberals, the Pro-Christ Conservatives may very soon prevail in this struggle between good and evil.

The Fair and Balanced Alliance

Another positive turn of events for the Pro-Christ Conservatives came with the unveiling of their new spokesmen and valued puppets of the Bush Administration, Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity. They inevitably joined forces with the knights of holiness, Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson making this the most glorious alliance since that of President Bush and al Qaeda’s sponsor—the royal family of Saudi Arabia. 

A front temporarily developed at Bill O’Reilly’s studio where his Holiday Merchandise was being given to the poor, needy and homeless for warmth this winter season without his permission. Outraged and fortified, O’Reilly deemed the caregivers “Radical Communist Socialist Nazi Liberals” and called for reinforcements from Secretary Rumsfeld to isolate and neutralize the buggers. Only later did the embarrassed O’Reilly discover that the buggers were indeed members of the Salvation Army.

Pat Robertson, utilizing his popular mind-numbing television program, the 700 Club, has delivered a call to arms in America to stop the Soulless Liberals from entering Alabama. “Alabama,” Robertson cringed, “is under attack and we must protect it!” Alabama is no stranger to the wrath of the Soulless Liberals. Just recently judge Roy Moore was forced to remove his blessed Ten Commandments monument from his courthouse and was threatened at sword-point to recant his Christian values altogether. The Soulless Liberals, who have also tainted and stagnated the honor of the Supreme Court, justified their act as protecting the wall of separation between church and state. As soon as the semi-transparent wall was erected two days ago, residents of North Carolina reported their finding of debris from Santa Clause’s sleigh. Mr. Clause’s spokeswoman informed the press that he was conducting a test drive across North America and never returned. His body has not been found.

Jerry Falwell and Sean Hannity are on site in Washington D.C. where they will make a stand against the Soulless Liberals who have been festering in Congress. Their disdain for America has become apparent over the last several years when they began asking for investigations of the President’s conduct of the Iraq War, 9/11 and other natural and unavoidable disasters.

The End of Christmas?

Despite the ongoing struggle between the Pro-Christ Conservatives and the Soulless Liberals, many businesses claim an all-time high in Christmas/Holiday sales. Falwell, in high spirits this morning, assured his followers that, “As long as Jewish businessmen could make a profit, Christmas is safe and secure.” The ACLU requested an immediate apology on behalf of Falwell for his “hateful comment.” Falwell refused, climbed to the summit of the Washington National Monument where he intended to deliver a zealous war cry but lost his footing and fell grievously into the crowd below.

Surprisingly, very few of the Americans we interviewed said they liked Reverend Falwell but acknowledged that he has become a martyr for the enduring cause to save Christmas and Christendom from the Soulless Liberals.

This has been a very special Fox News Report. We REPORT you DECIDE. Merry Christmas.