Reprint from The Onion | I Got What America Needs Right Here

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one f***ing thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherf***ing s***storm, and I have no f***ing idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these s***bags you got here in '08? Fat f***ing chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the f***ing environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that s*** to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your f***ing country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you f***-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious f***in' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.

You actually seem to think one a' these a******s is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common f***ing schnook and eating all their bull about bi-f***ing-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogs*** compared to Jimmy f***ing Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? f***ing nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the f*** could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he f***ing won the Nobel Peace Prize for that s***. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best f***ing suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of s***? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.

Cocksuckers.

Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-f***ing-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your s*** at night to conserve energy in 19-f***in'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I f***ing did back when we had a f***ing chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as f*** didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that c**-sucking pig, steals the s*** from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a f***ing sandwich.

Well, he can lick my a****** right after George W. Bush, that f***.

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherf***ing candidate out there, he spent the last f***ing quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A f***ing hernia. Some f***ing gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually f***ing know s***! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, f***-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some s***. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your f***ing problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my f***ing sleep. Just f***ing try me.

So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my f***ing dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.

You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you f***ing blew it. So get f***ed. f***ing country.