Voice of North America Articles

EXCERPT: THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!  Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to...

EXCERPT: A police officer pulls over a speeding car.  The officer says to the male driver, "You were clocked doing 80 mph, sir, in a 60 mph zone."
Driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60.  Perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating?"   Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be know this car doesn't have cruise control."   As the officer writes the...

EXCERPT: GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER  
  1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3 . 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy. 
    SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:  
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
3. You...

EXCERPT: I think the life cycle is all backwards
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then
when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get
ready for High School.
You go to primary school,...

EXCERPT: Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf...

EXCERPT: 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When...

EXCERPT: A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.
He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try
startling yourself."
That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they...

EXCERPT: An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair
making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man
jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can
I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls
out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning
and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again....

EXCERPT: Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very
excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk
on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off:
"I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales
approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that
approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:
"I sold...

EXCERPT: You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old  to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on..
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might
have turned out something like this:
*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm...