If John McCain were just a normal retired Navy veteran he wouldn’t be driving “The Straight Talk Express” around the country, he’d instead be the unassailable captain of the “Sweet Talk Express,” which would be on a never-ending tour of America’s hottest retirement beaches.


If the "J-Macster" hadn't hit the jackpot by marrying an heiress he’d probably be sitting at the end of a tiki hut in Miami right now, adorning a crusty white sailors hat and a half buttoned up Tommy Bahamas shirt. The affable, charismatic, silver fox would most likely be entertaining a bevy of Cindy McCain look-a-likes with mango margaritas and embellished war stories. He'd be the reincarnation of Rodney Dangerfield in Caddyshack, which is the coolest thing that can be said about any dude over 65.

My friends and I would glance over in wonderment while we saddled up to the bar for a few happy hour cocktails and ask each other, "How's he doing that?" Then we'd crack a few Viagra jokes, buy him another Bacardi and Coke, and start referring to him as "You old sailor you!" for the next three hours while we tried to get him to tell us what the best strip club in South Beach is, cuz he'd know.

Unfortunately, instead of canoodling with middle-aged divorcees the “J-Macster” is sweet talking the pants off the American press corps. Sadly, they’re probably an easier sell. Recent newspaper headlines are proof that the man has talent. They describe his campaign stump speech on global warming as if the man actually gives a damn about the environment.

Among the glossy eyed flock is a reporter from the McClatchy newspaper service, which ran the headline “McCain goes Green at Talk in Wind-Energy Plant.” The only thing going green on McCain is his wallet from all the money he’s accepted from big oil.

Journalist Hal Benton of the Seattle Times published an article with the headline “In Oregon, McCain Touts his Cap-and-Trade System to Fight Global Warming.” His cap-and-trade system will fight global warming like a bartender enforces the no-service-to-anyone-visibly-intoxicated rule. If the patron isn’t falling on the floor, and the bartender wants to make more money, he’ll pour another drink.  

Another headline taken straight from the "Sweet Talk Express" was Jim Tankersley’s article published in the Chicago Tribune, “McCain Rips Bush on Warming, Too Little, Too Late, Say Democrats.”  Tankersley has already been caught slurping McCain by Media Matters, so this is nothing new.

If you read between the lines of the newspaper articles you can decipher the alarmingly fake attempt of McCain trying to paint himself as pro-environment - It's good politics in a year that votes from independents and on-the-fence republicans will be up for grabs. They all point out that McCain’s plan to reduce carbon emissions is less than what the Democratic presidential nominees, and scientists, are proposing. The article in the Seattle Times even points out that McCain had to let two staff members go recently after it was revealed they had previously worked as lobbyists for DCI, a major oil and gas company. This little tidbit isn’t mentioned until the very bottom of the article and does not offer a quote from McCain explaining the hypocrisy.  

All of the articles mention bits and pieces of information that reflect the true motivations behind the stump speech, but none of them point out that McCain’s top environmental advisor, Kevin Hassett, recently rebuked everything McCain just spoke about in a column for Bloomberg news.

All of these so-called journalists imply that McCain is taking a tough stand towards fighting global warming. They frame his position as if he’s crossing republican lines and behaving like a “political maverick.” Simply acknowledging the existence of global warming is not “maverick.” Compared to Bush’s efforts to fight global climate change, any action by McCain would be an improvement. In fact, Bush also made a campaign promise to pass legislation to curb carbon emissions, but that obviously never happened. All McCain really did in Portland was give a pandering speech, in a contrived setting, to a dummy press corps he knew would echo his “straight talk” to the country.    

It’s amazing how he pulls off these shenanigans. Does the press cozy up with a pillow and blanket in the back of the "Straight Talk Express" bus? Does he feed them barbecue and let them win in horseshoes? Being the funny old man at the end of the bar is cool, but would you want that guy to be president?